Episode 18

Episode 18

Merci: I cried with laughter watching today’s episode! Poor Armando - no matter how hard he tries, he still can’t manage to make Calderón act like an adult…

The elevator doors to the Mendoza-Pinzón family apartment open and we see Don Hermes and Doña Julia get off - Don Hermes wanting to exit before Doña Julia and complaining as always [Merci: And for those that believe there are no weekends in the Gaitán universe - SURPRISE! The episode takes place on a Sunday… Incredible, but true! But back to our story…]. Betty’s parents are coming to pick her up to go to a mass in honor of Uncle Darío [Merci: Pinzón, i’m guessing - perhaps the brother of Uncle Lázaro?] who apparently is no longer with us. It is a three-hour journey to get to the place they’re having the mass and Don Hermes is hurrying Betty so they can leave [Beth: ok, am i the only one hearing the “Gilligan’s Island” theme song here…? ok… i guess so. ahhh, my misspent youth…]. Doña Julia is very worried because Armando is going to stay with Camila all by himself for the first time -the nanny has the day off- and apparently he isn’t very dexterous with regard to diapers [Merci: although we know he’s a wonder preparing bottles…]. We see Armando trying to dress Camila, who is looking at him as if thinking, “Poor Papi, you have no idea what kind of day is in store for you…!” [Merci: The little girl is so cute!!] Armando comes out of the bathroom with a puff of talcum powder and is so excited talking about how he can take care of his daughter and if he can’t then he’ll resign being a father that he spills powder in Don Hermes’ face. Armando wants them to leave already, he wants them to stop mistrusting his abilities to take care of his child, but Doña Julia is fussing. Betty has assured them that she left explicit instructions for Armando about what to do with Camila and what’s more she’s got half of Bogotá keeping an eye him should anything happen, but the grandmother continues to worry. Armando finally manages to get them to leave… He says to the little girl, “Let’s see, my love, you’re all alone with Daddy now - don’t let’s cry…”

At EcoModa we see Doña Blanquita -the coffee lady who apparently also does cleaning- in Betty’s office cleaning the floor. As she does, she comments to herself about how disorganized Aura María is… The elevator doors open and none other than Guti-Gu and Nicolás get off. Poor Nicolás seems to have reverted to his old wardrobe - plaid shirt in the style of María Castaña’s era, buttoned up to the neck, suspenders, around 15 pens in his pocket - although with a somewhat modern touch as his pants are painter-types [Beth: i am not familiar with the reference to María Castaña, so i looked her up. she seems to have been a14th-Century Spanish woman and folk hero who more or less led a protest against her local church authority that may have included -tho i’m not positive on this point- murdering the Archbishop’s majordomo (!!). however, i’m having a hard time finding exactly what it was she was protesting about because most of the sites that reference this appear to be in Catalán or some other similar-to-but-not-the-same-as Spanish language that i can sortof read but not really, so i get the general idea without getting any of the details (hence my not being sure about the murder). one thing is fairly clear, tho: describing something as being from María Castaña’s era seems to be a way of saying it’s really outdated…]. The two are commenting to each other how they are going to work hard so they can get a report for the Board meeting on Monday finished before noon. Doña Blanquita offers them coffee but they tell her they’ll let her know if they need anything. She states they’re a pair of “Doctorcitos de Pacotilla” [Beth: i can’t really translate this, but she’s not being very respectful]. They go into Nicolás’ office and he complains that he doesn’t have Gutiérrez’s luck to have a wife who will make him lunch to bring to the office. He (Nicolás) has to go to the chicken joint on the corner and eat cold chicken… [Beth: considering he’s always making Sofía order him all this food, that’s really a stretch…!]. Gutiérrez asks if he has a girlfriend and Nicolás replies that he hasn’t had the time [to look] with all the work he’s had. But he does have “virtual” girlfriends - he meets them in internet chat rooms, but not in person. Gutiérrez immediately wants them to find two (female) friends to meet so he can get away from his wife for a while. Nicolás enters a chat room and signs on as “El Ardiente” [loosely, “Mr. Hot Stuff”]. Just then his cel phone rings… It’s Betty, asking that he please stop by the apartment to take Armando and Camila out. Nicolás says that’s fine… When he hangs up he tells Gutiérrez that Betty left the “Cabezón” [literally, big-headed one] alone with the baby and asked him to stop by and look in on them - then he clarifies that he doesn’t know anything about babies, except for how they’re made [Merci: And not much of that!].

Armando is carrying Camila; she is bawling her eyes out and he’s trying to make her stop crying [Merci: He’s carrying the baby and a gigantic stuffed “Foghorn Cleghorn” doll (one of the Warner Bros cartoon characters) that’s bigger than Camila]. He’s showing Camila a photo of Betty and herself so she’ll stop crying, without result [Beth: poor Armando - i can sympathize: i apparently have zero baby karma and all they seem to do with me is cry non-stop]. Just then he arrives in the living room and runs into his bestest friend Calderón, who is standing next to the elevator with another gigantic doll [Merci: one of those that have the long arms and legs]. He greets him saying “Hello, doll.” Armando cannot believe that Calderón is there and asks how he got in… [Beth: good question - what is the doorman thinking??].

Mario tells him he’s there because he couldn’t leave his best friend alone in his moment of need. He makes little faces at the baby and tells her to come to her Uncle Mario Calderón, but Camila doesn’t want anything to do with either of the two. Armando tells him to leave, but Mario says he wants to stay and help. Armando points out that Mario doesn’t know anything about babies, but Mario explains that he does know about women and when all is said and done the baby is a woman. Armando hugs Camila to him as if trying to protect her from the Devil himself! Calderón tells him he’ll be leaving then, but Armando says, No, it’s fine - stay. Armando goes to prepare the baby’s bottle while Calderón admires the apartment saying things like, This is the loveliest, cutest, sweetest apartment -much better than the one Marcela had!- and has the effrontery to say that although Betty might be ugly [Merci: I don’t think Armando heard him say that], he has to admit she has wonderful taste. Just then he sees the picture of Betty that’s on top of the mantel and he jumps a little bit, then gives it a Nazi salute [Merci: what a wretched man!], and starts to talk nonsense in German [Merci: at least, i think it was nonsense]. Then he addresses the photo, telling it that absolutely nothing, but nothing to do with women is going to happen to its husband or daughter… Armando comes out of the kitchen and tells Mario stop talking with photos and come help him.

Next we see Mario crying, complaining that he never thought they would put him in such a humiliating position: The poor guy - in an apron cutting onions. What an odious task - having to chop up all these onions! Armando tells him to get a move on with the onions because he has a chicken in the oven for lunch. He adds that he made Mario chop the onions in order to confirm that he is actually capable of crying… Mario tells him, The rich cry too. Mario opens the oven door and takes out what is supposed to be a roast chicken but which instead appears to be a chicken-shaped lump of charcoal. Armando decides that although he’s never done so before, he’s going to have to get together the diaper bag, the stroller, and the baby and go out to get something for lunch…

We return to EcoModa where the last thing on the minds of Nicolás and Gutiérrez is preparing the supposed report for the meeting on Monday. Nicolás is chatting with some virtual (female) friends and Gutiérrez is enjoying it all. Nicolás has become a poet à la Mario Calderón in his heyday of the cards for Betty, and writes a whole mess of saccharine stuff to the person with whom he is chatting. Gutiérrez tells him to use more sex than poetry, since that’s what women want. Show them you are a tiger in bed! Nicolás replies that women like “sentimentful” (sentimental) men, not “semenful” men [Beth - Nicolás is making a clever play on words that i’ve tried to replicate here - hopefully successfully. but in case not, what he’s saying to that idiot Guti-Gu is that women prefer men who are full of sentiment as opposed to full of semen; i.e., romantic rather than oversexed]… Nicolás writes something about how in the dark the ‘geography of two bodies becomes the geography of love’ [Merci: My heavens!] and says if all this verbosity works for him he’ll give up finances and be a poet instead. And it does work! The woman writes back: Nicolás Mora, I want to make love with you right now [Beth: Usted alert. to my non-Colombian-trained sensibilities, employing the so-called ‘formal’ form of “you” for something so intimate is just too funny. but i digress…]. Nicolás just about dies! Gutiérrez is thoroughly enjoying such a proposal. Nicolás tells him it’s been TWO since they’ve told him this. Gutiérrez asks him if he means two days, two weeks, two months- and Nicolás clarifies that he means two years… He writes to the woman, Tell me slowly where you would like our two bodies to meet, the place where we will make a compendium of words and caresses [Merci: No, he definitely BEATS Mario Calderón as a poet…]. Gutiérrez, subtle as always, says that this is called “a meeting of the belly-buttons!” Nicolás gets a response that they should meet at 2p in the Los Olivos bar, where he should ask the waiter for Ximena… Nicolás is ecstatic and says, Today two years of celibacy dies! Gutiérrez asks what he’s going to do if the woman is “very fea and muy (very) ugly.” Nicolás replies that he will look first and if she’s really ugly, he’ll leave… [Beth: ok, i’m not even going to bother to comment on that - but if i were to, i’m sure you can guess what i’d say because you are all saying the same thing…!].

Back with Mario and Armando, we see them arrive at a mall with Camila -who is asleep in her stroller- where a number of women remark on how pretty she is. Mario tells Armando that it’s very “de-stressing” to go “shopping” with Armando on a Sunday [Beth: and no, he is not making a play on the words “de-stress” and “distress” - they’re not similar in Spanish]. Mario has discovered the key to conquering women! He asks Armando to loan him his daughter, saying with her he can get at least 18 or 20 women’s phone numbers… Horrified, Armando tells him, No! Calderón says, Fine, then rent her to me. Armando repeats NO! in no uncertain terms, so Calderón then states that he wants his own baby… Just then a gay couple comes down the stairs and compliments Armando and Mario on how cute ‘their’ (Mario and Armando’s) “adopted” baby is, saying they (the gay couple) were wild to adopt a baby themselves! [Merci: That this should happen to Armando after what he suffered as “Princess Lilí”!!]. Mario tells Armando, Calm yourself, my darling, don’t start a fight, and takes his hand… Mario wants Armando to let him push the baby stroller, or at least carry the diaper bag. Armando finally gives in, but tells him, Just for five minutes. Mario asks how he looks and Armando tells him he looks just like an idiot.

They get to a restaurant [Merci: apparently the Hard Rock Café of Bogotá] and Armando says he’s going to look for something to eat while Mario should take the baby and find a table [Merci & Beth: Will Armando never learn…??]. Mario selects a table surrounded by three or four others that are full of women. He opens the baby’s diaper bag and uses the old ‘everything fell on the floor’ trick. A very pretty blonde woman gets up to help him. She asks if Camila is his daughter and he says yes. He adds that he’s alone with her -well, a semi-neurotic friend accompanied them today. The woman asks where the baby’s mother is and of course Mario says she died and he is still very sad about it, but he is taking care of the baby by himself, although of course he has a nanny. It’s the nights that are the hardest… He describes himself as an exemplary father who bathes his baby every morning, then goes to work, comes home to eat lunch with the baby, and always tries to be back at home again before she goes to sleep. Weekends are very hard as well! But he can’t be begging for company. The woman says she can help him - Mario acts pained, saying nothing ever comes of offers to help and begging her please not to say something like that unless she really means it. She says of course she’s serious, she loves children… She tells him ‘his’ baby is really cute. Mario tells her whenever she wants one like her (like Camila), he is at her service, and quickly adds it’s a “sad widower’ joke… Then he introduces himself and gives her his card so she can call him. She says her name is Gina. Armando arrives [Beth: at last!] with the food and Mario introduces him to Gina as the only person who has helped him since he was widowed… Gina excuses herself and says good-bye. After she’s left Armando asks Mario who his supposed dead wife is, and Mario tells him, why the baby’s mother, of course! Then he complains about how Armando never remembers he doesn’t like lettuce…

Nicolás is in the bar where he’s to meet Ximena… He calls Gutiérrez and says that she’s really pretty and now he doesn’t know what to do since he’d described himself as a strong, athletic type. When he approaches the woman, she asks if he is Nicolás Mora and he says no. His name is Jorge Guzmán -Nicolás’ best friend. Nicolás couldn’t make it to the meeting because he’s in a business meeting, so he’d sent “Jorge” to make his excuses to Ximena -“Ximena with an “X,”” as Nicolás calls her… She says Nicolás probably sent him (“Jorge”) to find out if she was ugly or not - that’s what all men do! He tells her that wasn’t the case at all and manages to convince her not to leave… “Jorge” asks her what she’d like to drink, and orders champagne for them both.

Armando and Mario arrive back at the apartment and Mario tells him nothing happened… Armando points out that’s not at all true - apparently now Mario is his (Armando’s) daughter’s father and wife’s killer. Mario makes a face as if he’s going to vomit - apparently Camilita’s diaper now needs to be changed and it smells deadly. Armando also smells it and nearly faints. Operation Diaper Change commences! Armando says “We’re going to have to change the diaper,” and Calderón is left with no alternative but to help. Armando has the baby and states that this is the most beautiful thing about being a father. Just then Calderón arrives with gloves on his hands and a towel over his face. Armando tells him he (Mario) is in charge of reading the instruction book and handing him the necessary instruments - the powder, diaper, diaper rash cream, cleaning cloths. While Calderón reads out the instructions, Armando takes the diaper off the baby and once again nearly faints from the stench…. and he throws baby powder into Calderón’s face. Calderón’s cel phone rings - it’s Gina, whom he promptly invites to stop by “his” apartment to visit. Armando starts shouting! Calderón tells Gina they’re there changing his daughter’s diapers (to explain the noise), gives her the address, and happily tells Armando, Guess who that was? The hottie from the mall! Mario swears to Armando that they’re only going to visit at the apartment for five minutes and he’ll take her out, later he’ll tell her the truth. Armando once again gives in but when Mario tries to hug him he hands him the baby’s dirty diaper to throw away. Mario claims it is “kryptonite” [Beth the Reality Police: ok, not to throw water on what was probably a very amusing little scene, but you can’t tell me that Armando, a supposedly devoted and modern father, hasn’t ever changed her diapers even ONCE in the whole 15 months of Camilita’s life, or at the very least, smelt what she smells like when she needs to be changed…!].

Nicolás and Ximena continue chatting at the cafe - he’s using his poetic words and she is completely charmed, this is the man she’d hoped for. In his guise as “Jorge,” Nicolás tells her that “Nicolás” is a faker, that all the things she read and thought “Nicolás” wrote were actually written by him, “Jorge,” “Nicolás’ ‘Cyrano de Bergerac’. She asks him to take her hand, then asks what he feels when he touches her. He says he feels the skin he’d always dreamed of. It’s you, Ximena with an X! I am the man who always writes to you! [Beth: by the way, if you’re wondering about all this “Ximena with an X” business, i’m guessing it’s because the name is can also be spelled with a “J”… and maybe also be there is an “X” in sexy?] She says, How much I have wanted you! They decide to leave the cafe [and go somewhere else]… Nicolás says, Well, Dr. Guzmán [Beth: remember, Guzmán is “Jorge’s” last name], we’re going to bury this guy Nicolás Mora’s two years of celibacy…

Mario is ready for Gina’s arrival and he asks Armando to help him out by removing the photos of the “sacred family.” Armando leaves as the elevator doors open and Gina gets off. She and Mario greet each other and she remarks that he has a very comfortable and large apartment for just him and his baby to live in by themselves. He tells her that everything is just as it was before his wife died and what’s more, he would give the world to his daughter. Mario gets very dramatic saying this and she tells him he’s a young, attractive man, he shouldn’t get like this. She sees the picture of Betty and asks who it is - he tells her it’s the baby’s mother, now deceased… He offers Gina a drink [alcoholic] but Gina says she doesn’t imbibe, so he proposes they go out for a while. He is all ready to leave when Gina asks about the baby - they can’t leave her alone. Mario goes to Armando’s room -where Armando is asleep with the baby asleep in her stroller… Armando doesn’t want to let Mario take the baby with him and Gina, but of course you all know that he’ll end up giving in… Mario swears to him it will only be for five minutes, they will stay in the apartment building’s little garden area. Armando insists that Mario not leave the building and that he come back right away [Merci: Be careful, Calderón!].

Mario tells Gina that they don’t have much time - he doesn’t want night to catch them unawares. She asks if Camilita’s a good baby and he says yes, he hopes she’ll be ‘sensible’ [in other words, he hopes she’ll both behave herself and be discrete!]. Armando has fallen asleep again but is wakened by the phone. Guess who it is? Betty! She asks what he’s been doing and he says he was asleep, but that everything is fine, he’d been playing with the baby. She wants to talk to her daughter and Armando quickly says that she just now fell asleep and she looks so sweet he can’t bring himself to wake her [Merci: We don’t hear Betty speaking, but we know what she’s saying by what Armando says…]. Armando asks what time Betty will be back and Betty replies they’re nearly in Bogotá already… Emergency 911, Armando!! Betty says she wants to get home quickly because she had a feeling something was wrong. Armando tells her not to worry - everything is fine. He says, Calm yourself, my love - I’ll wait for you here. After hanging up, he goes running to call the doorman and tell him to tell Dr Calderón to come up immediately with the baby. But Calderón’s not there - he and Gina took the baby and left the building! Where could they have gone?? Armando asks himself desperately…

Mario is with Gina, eating ice cream, as happy as a clam. Gina tells him that she’s been separated for three years and doesn’t have any children. Mario’s cel phone rings - Hello Tiger! (obviously, it’s Armando calling). Bring my daughter home immediately!! Mario tells Gina it’s his friend, the “plump, bachelor, ‘helmethead’” from earlier that day, and he’s offering to watch the baby for him so that he and Gina could go out together. What a nice friend he is!

By coincidence, “Jorge” and Ximena are arriving at the very same place as Calderón and Gina are… Nicolás needs to get some cash since he can’t use his credit cards because his real name is on them. Just then he and Mario cross paths. Mario knows he is a dead man if Nicolás tells Betty he saw Mario alone with Camila, so he calls to Nicolás, using his name. Nicolás ignores him but Mario continues. Nicolás tells him he is “Jorge Enrique Guzmán Cabezas,” but Mario tells him no, and begs him not to say anything to Betty - Scout’s honor! Nicolás continues to insist he’s not Nicolás. Mario replies of course he is, he’s Nicolás Mora, Vice-President of Finances at EcoModa. And he congratulates him on a “very good pick-up” (referring to Ximena). Ximena is furious and tells Nicolás he’s a fraud and a womanizer. Nicolás begs her to give him another chance. Instead, she gives him a big slap on the face and leaves him standing there.

Armando is starting to get desperate because Calderón still hasn’t arrived. Finally he does, saying Tiger, Tiger - we’re back…! He thanks Armando for doing him this “favor” and says he and Gina are going to the 6pm show at the cinema. Armando tells Mario to get going now because he’s expecting a visitor. They are saying good-bye as Betty arrives and is stopped cold at seeing Mario in her house. She walks toward the hearth and stops right next to her picture… Gina thinks she’s seeing a ghost and faints. Mario says Gina has low blood sugar and carries her off. Betty says he shouldn’t leave with Gina in that condition, but Armando says Betty shouldn’t worry - Mario’s known Gina for a long time, she’s his girlfriend and he knows what needs to be done. Betty replies that although she detests Calderón, she doesn’t want anything to happen to the woman… Then she remarks on her surprise to find that Mario should be so sensible… Armando asks her how her day went and she tells him fine, but she had a feeling something bad was happening. Armando says no, they tell each other how much they missed each other, and hug and kiss each other…

There were no advances for next week - instead they announced they would show another program in the 7pm time slot…